Friday, August 15, 2008

Tanks Make Lousy Boyfriends

I only date tanks. It's just a personal preference of mine--some people like blondes, some people like great legs or butts, I just like tanks.

My first boyfriend was a warrior. He was a great guy, and he knew all the tricks. No matter what I was in the mood for, he could deliver. But after a while I called it off, because he just...well, didn't have the brains. I like a guy with a little intelligence, you know?

After a while I met this druid. Wow, was he ever something! He had strength, agility, and endurance to make other tanks weep. My friends were all so jealous when we started dating. He had a sensitive side, too--he wasn't always such an animal. He had a serious body hair problem, though, and refused to do a thing about it. Yuck! "This is how I am, baby. Take me or leave me," he said. So I left.

My next boyfriend was a paladin. He was a real sweetheart, and I never had to pester him about using protection. He could do amazing things with his hands. Talk about seeing the light! I thought I'd finally found a keeper...until the day he told me he was into that group stuff. He asked me to invite all my friends over, so we could all pile on top of him. He promised me he could handle all of us; I told him he'd better be able to handle the door slamming in his face, because that's what he was getting.

So then I met this mage. He swore up and down that he was a tank, even though he really didn't look like one. I took him at his word, and we went on a few dates. Well, it turns out he's only a tank one night a week, and he has to wear a ton of "special gear" to do it. I told him sorry, but that's just not my scene. I need a full-time tank in my life, and I don't want to have to strap him into anything first. Even if he does have "magic fingers."

And the warlock...oh, that handsome devil. And talk about stamina! But he was just like the mage, except he wanted his creepy little friend to watch, too! I was out that door so fast I nearly swung it off the hinges.

After that, I pretty much swore off men for a while. But now a new guy has asked me out, and I think I'm ready to jump in the dating game again. He's called a "death knight," and he tells me he's a tank, or at least he will be in a couple of months. I'm a little wary after my experiences with the others, but we'll see how it goes. Wish me luck!

18 comments:

typhoonandrew said...

You're really going to expand your horizons then when the Hunter pets can tank too. Date a Pet?

Galoheart said...

Very entertaining post, enough humor to fill my morning.

Hmm, last I hear Rogues were trying to Tank and one did actually tank illy if I remember so a Tank there if even gimped to do it.

Heffner at the Pent mansion have several Pets last I heard.

Wowgirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wowgirl said...

I loved it!!

Ngollon said...

What a glorious find in my feedreader. Thanks for a good laugh on this otherwise cloudy sunday.

Keep 'em coming, tankbreakergirl :)

halflifehavock13 said...

Watch out for the death knight... I hear they carry diseases....

blue-crow said...

There certainly are rogue tanks out there. I knew a hunter that liked to tank too, he wasn't too bad.

...I heard Moonkin tank could also be viable?

Ani said...

hm, and I hear some shamen think they can tank too.

tim said...

really funny lol

jamus-se said...

A few good weeks with a good tanking rogue will change your mind. Sure we can be very dodgy about everything you throw at us, and sometimes we'd vanish without a trace... but we all got very good at doing it from behind, if you know what I mean *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*

Alveredus said...

I hear rogues are real backstabbers. Most rogues I know prefer to do it from behind and tend to vanish when things get tough. Those aren't the traits most girls I know are looking for and they certainly aren't true for rogue tanks, fortunately.

The rogues that can tank are evasive.

I suggest you find a nice Fury Warrior.

We're into a bit of leather when the situation calls for it but we're always ready with some rock hard plate when you want it. We're ready to tank in many situations. Some might say we have a bit of a death wish but I'd counter that our furious resolve can actually make us less threatening than any warrior you know, believe it or not.

Don't let the name fool you. Most good Fury Warriors have a talent for anger management.

We can use both hands quite effectively without pawing at you like one of those sleazy druids and it's been said that any serious raiding warrior has two positively enchanted hands.

Sometimes, in the flurry of the situation, we move a bit fast... but by every recount, we're among the top in sustained output; not like those Arms warriors who rely on burst.

We're not into the group thing like pallies either. We're primarily single target guys though we're known for the occasional whirlwind romance.

Nobody can deny we have a commanding presence and a lot of precision too.

And to be a bit immodest, our "Titan's Grip" means we have use a bigger sword than anybody else. We're talking two hand material.

And while the Death Knight may claim to rival us in size, only a Fury Warrior can have a shield equipped when using his "Stunherald" for your satisfaction.

Besides, Death Knights only date necrophiliacs.

So, really, what better option is there? We may not be anybody's first mental image when they think of heroic tanks but we're certainly capable of getting the job done. We're not brawlers or into groups. We don't completely shield ourselves off from intimacy like pallies or prot warriors.

But we're the kings of sustained action and, like I said, we have bigger swords...

The Saturnyne said...

Naw you need a hunter!

Am sure our talent trees would tell you everything you need to know how great we are with weaponry. Especially at range. Feel the quality of our gun-barrels!

Mind you, we do have a tendency to get over-excited and this can lead to random kitings around the bedroom and everywhere else... which i guess could be frustrating. Especially in the supermarket frozen food section.

*grins*

Hi to you all, btw. Saturnyne is my main in the world of blogging, but in Wow, i can often be found slumming on Europe's Dragonblight as a lazy lecherous hunter called Vommit

S.

schroey said...

I read this to my ZA run tonight, they were dying with laughter.

Dirz said...

I'm a pally tank on kael'thas and my panzerkin gf just fell over laughing when she read this...

Dirz

70 TW said...

Very funny and very well thought out. I'm glad I came across this blog, might have to stop by more often :)

PoisonPixie said...

I once met a hunter who made it clear how he felt about his pet. He said: "My pet tanks perfectly fine for me".

Nuff said...

Gibbiex said...

Awesome, thanks

IChuckPens said...

Our Orc main tank is really into gnomes so I'm not sure how well a relationship with him would work. He collects those gnome effigies like a mad man...

Talk about impossible dreams.